


Six Years Silent

by angrytitanboy



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Crying, Death, Grief/Mourning, Homicide, M/M, Mental Hospital, Mourning, Ok bye, Rain, Sadness, dont hate me, get crying, i know it's bad, please just enjoy it and don't fucking hate it, this is so inaccurate, visitor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-30
Updated: 2015-07-30
Packaged: 2018-04-12 03:23:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4463576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angrytitanboy/pseuds/angrytitanboy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Six years in that hospital and Eren hasn't spoken one fucking day.</p><p>He killed her<br/>Not Eren.<br/>It's his fault.<br/>All his fault.<br/>It can't be Eren's fault.</p><p>Can it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Six Years Silent

**Author's Note:**

> NOTE: UPLOADED FROM MY ORIGINAL ACCOUNT. NO THIS IS NOT FUCKING STOLEN. OKAY? OK.
> 
> Before you read this, THIS. IS. INNACURATE. You can probably point out a million things wrong with this scenario and I can too. I get it. Plus, the story is a bit wonky but I've tweaked it so much and I don't know how else to fix it. Please forget about the flaws of this work and just enjoy my pretty words. 
> 
> -Row

It's been six years since Eren last spoke, and four months since his last visitor. The sunlight outside his mental hospital ward window that kisses his skin is his only company for most of the day, minus the quiet strawberry-blonde nurse Petra who brushes in and out with drugs that Eren hardly ever takes voluntarily. His last visitor was Mikasa, his once-close sister with the same intentions of everyone else- to get him to talk. All the visitors ever did was make him want to remain silent more than he already did. That day she was in tears trying to make him speak. She was begging, pleading for even the smallest sound or shortest word. Eventually she gave up, dried her eyes, and left. However, not before shooting Eren the nastiest look that he had ever gotten from her, and a few harsh words: "Eren, just give up. He's already dead. This won't change anything."

Today seemed no different. Eren would wake up to Petra quietly rapping on his nightstand, smiling, and handing him pills that he would just shove into his mattress. He would change out of his night clothes and into a day hospital dress, have a small glass of orange juice (since that's all he's willing to down) and go back to his room. After an hour of staring out the window, Petra would wheel him to Dr. Hanji, his therapist's, office. There Hanji would preform her usual routine of asking Eren politely to tell her how he feels, ask him a few questions that he would never answer, and send him back to his ward. He would sit there staring out his window, with Petra frequently popping in to ask him if he would like to go outside, or if he needs anything, or to tell him that it's meal time, to which Eren would never respond and leave the strawberry-blonde sighing sadly.  
Today he was deprived of sunlight, his only company. It was storming hard for eight at night, rain coating his window and blurring the outside world. Occasionally a boom of thunder would rattle the room and a flash of lightning would illuminate the darkness produced by the storm. In the room next to him, a poor insane woman screams shrilly as if she's being tortured to the point where she is sedated. Eren, however, sits unfazed. He waits silently for death. He is only truly alone when staring in the face of a rainstorm. Then, his door opens: Petra. Eren doesn't bother looking over.

"Eren? Good afternoon." Petra says, more cheery than usual. She quickly explains why: "You have a visitor." Eren twists over to set eyes upon him. Him, of all people. Why him? Why now? Of course, he struck now- he knows Eren well enough to know that storms leave him vulnerable. But he had never visited before. He never even checked on him. Why now?

"Thanks, Petra." Said 'he' as he stepped into the room uninvited. Petra giggled in response and shut the door, leaving Eren only to share at him, awestruck.

"Hey, Eren." He said calmly, slipping his hands into his pockets and tilting his head. He looked no different from six years ago- raven hair, a resting bitch face, and the cleanest clothes you'll ever see. Eren said nothing, as usual. He tried to say "Get out." With his eyes. "Don't worry, I'm not gonna make you talk."

It was Levi. Levi, Eren's former lover. Levi, the one who checked him into the mental hospital. Levi, the one who said "I don't love you anymore" in the form of a mental instability declaration and twelve hospital forms. Levi, part of the reason why Eren won't talk.

"You doing okay here?" Levi asked. Eren only glared. "Mikasa says that she misses you. We all miss you back at home." Eren, overflowing with anger and confusion, rose from his wheelchair that he didn't need. He eased into fighting stance. Levi cracked a smile.

"I was wondering why you had the chair." He said. "Last time I checked, your legs worked fine." Eren gritted his teeth and dug his bare foot at the flat tile floor. Levi laughed though his nose.

"I'm not fighting you, Eren." He said. "I didn't think you would be this mad. Petra says that she can barely get a reaction out of you at all." Eren switched back into standing position carefully. Levi stared for a moment. Eren concentrated on trying to telepathically communicate "Why are you here?".

"You look much skinnier." Levi commented. "Do they feed you at all here?" Eren glanced at his torso, which was indeed a size too small. He looked back up with a confused face. Levi seemed to get the idea.  
"You're probably wondering why I'm here, huh?" He said, his smile fading as he stepped closer to Eren. Eren tensed again as a crack of lightning lit the skies on fire and made his heart skip a beat. Levi's eyes were as cold as ice and as hard as a stone. "Well, you need to know a few things. I won't make you talk, but you're going to want to hear this." Eren nodded in response- the only means of communication he deemed acceptable in his vow of silence.

"Mikasa-" Levi began, but he was interrupted by the roll of thunder following the previous lightning and a scream from the next room. He turned to face the direction of the sound, then glanced back at Eren, who shook his head and waved it off. Levi tried again. "Mikasa killed herself two days ago."

Perfectly-timed lightning sent a loud crack as it pierced the earth and sent light through the window, casting shadows on Eren's face. Eren nearly choked on his own spit as he staggered backwards, silently praying for the news to be false. Levi remained cold and stern as stone, staring Eren down as if he had killed Mikasa. Truth be told, they both saw it coming. Ever since that night, that horrible night, no one was the same. Eren stopped speaking. Mikasa never stopped crying. Levi put Eren in a mental ward. That night, the night without sleep, the night ridden with tears, the night that stained everyone's hands with blood. Tears automatically gushed from Eren's eyes and down his face, shivers being sent through his body perfectly timed with his soundless sobs. He gritted his teeth and stared at Levi until it all came together in his head. It was Levi's fault.

Yes, Levi's fault! It has to be his fault. He was the last one to speak to Mikasa, right? He was supposed to be her friend when Eren couldn't, right? It's his fault! He killed Mikasa! Mikasa is dead because of him! Eren grew more and more furious as he stewed in turmoil of denial, instant regret, and thoughts of Mikasa. He felt as if he was stuck waist-deep in rising tar that was slowly drowning him, filling his lungs with sticky black liquid, and dying his soul black. He shook as he stood in front of Levi crying.

What happened to them? What happened to Eren and Levi? Before all this, when Eren lost it completely, Levi would have made him feel safe by then. Why wasn't Eren crying into Levi's shoulder by now? Why wasn't Levi hugging Eren and telling him that it's going to be okay? Why wasn't he promising to get Eren out of the hospital? Eren could barely see Levi through his pained tears, but he could tell that Levi was on the verge of tears himself. All Eren wanted in that moment was for Levi to tell him that he still loves him, even though Eren knows he doesn't. What's wrong with him? Does he enjoy this, watching Eren grieve over his sister? He's tortured him enough, hasn't he? What, with putting him here in the first place? With not having the guts to say "I don't love you anymore" to his face?

Eren couldn't take it. He furiously wiped his tears away and bared his teeth. He ran at Levi and jumped before he had a chance to move. He flew at him, arms outstretched, and pinned him to the ground by his neck in a clean takedown. Eren straddled him and pressed his thumbs hard on Levi's throat, threatening to cut off all air. Levi didn't struggle. He stared at Eren, a small teardrop hanging off of his eyelashes. He was breathing. He was taking in oxygen and putting out carbon dioxide. He was breathing and continuing to live. He was breathing, and Mikasa wasn't.

"Stop breathing!" Eren yelled, spraying spit at Levi's face. His first words in six years, he prayed, would be his last to Levi.

"Eren?" Levi's eyes went wide. "You're talki-"

"Shut up!" Eren shouted again. "You don't deserve to speak! Hell, you don't deserve to breathe! You killed my sister! Stop breathing! I don't want to hear your heart beat anymore!"

"Eren." Levi said calmly. "I didn't kill Mikasa."

"You did." Eren insisted furiously.

"I didn't." Levi refused. "Who killed Mikasa? Who just couldn't take it? Who gave up? Who abandoned everyone, including the one they loved?" Of course. Eren knew exactly who Levi was talking about- Eren himself. After that night, the night that Armin was shot and killed as he walked home with Eren, he couldn't take it. He gave up. From then on, he lived with a heart that only wanted to disappear. He gave up speaking to anyone. Eren realized that Levi didn't abandon Eren, Eren abandoned him. It was all his fault. He killed Mikasa. He killed Mikasa.

"N-no..." Eren whimpered, taking his hands off Levi's throat. "I-I don't want it to be...I killed Mikasa..."

"No, you idiot!" Levi hissed, suddenly sitting up and putting his face inches from Eren's. "Mikasa! Mikasa killed Mikasa! She gave up living! She gave up everything! She selfishly abandoned you! She didn't want to fight anymore!" Levi was shouting and shaking Eren by the shoulders, trying to talk sense into him.

"I gave up!" Eren yelled over him. Lightning cracked through the room. Levi stopped. Eren lowered his voice. "I gave up. I abandoned everyone."

"I know that, brat." Levi said. "But you didn't kill her." Levi's hands were still on Eren's shoulders, holding him. "Eren, do you want to know why I put you here and said you went insane?"

"Yes." Eren said quickly.

"It's because you actually went insane." Levi said. "You gave up fighting. What ever happened to that thing you used to say about fighting for life? If you win you live, if you lose you die? You can't win if you don't fight? What happened to that?"

Eren didn't know what to say. He hadn't said anything for six years by choice with the entire world forming on his tongue, and now that he's broken the seal, he doesn't have anything to say.

"I knew that if you gave up, you were killing yourself." Levi went on. "The Eren I knew didn't give up. He didn't back down, even when he knew he was absolutely powerless. I didn't know the Eren after Armin. It wasn't the Eren I knew, and it certainly wasn't the Eren I fell in love with."

"I don't know if you'll ever see that Eren again." Eren said, rising to his feet. Levi quickly joined him. The quiet flashes of lightning illuminated their faces for split seconds and fading again. "I think he died somewhere along the way."

"Did he?" Levi said sarcastically, folding his arms.

"Yeah, he did." Eren glared. "He died somewhere in between his best friend dying in front of him and his lover putting him in a mental home." At this point, he was just mad. He had no one to blame but himself. He stubbornly wanted to make Levi feel like shit so someone knew how he felt at the moment. "Or maybe it was when his sister killed herself."

"I think that Eren died when he shut himself up." Levi hissed, his eyes burning. "You know, when he went against everything he lived by at the moment. Do you even remember what you said last?"

"I think that died with him."

"Nope." Levi shook his head. "It was 'Holy hell, I can't do this anymore'. Everything after that was just a couple blurbs of bullshit that the real Eren would never say."

"Just shut up already!" Eren snapped, balling his fists. "I lived in silent turmoil for six years; give me a break!"

"You think it wasn't hard for me, too?" Levi fumed. Eren stopped glaring so fiercely when he saw the look in Levi's eye. He had succeeded in making Levi feel like shit, alright. Somehow, it wasn't as satisfying as he imagined it. Levi didn't stop himself. "I had to live six years alone, too, you know. I had to live six years trying to stop Mikasa from torturing you. I had to go six years with a weekly update from the hospital that was always the same, but I read every one hoping that you would have changed for the better and spoke again, even though you never did. That hurts like hell, Jaeger. I had to live six years knowing that you hated me, even though I still loved you with all of my being. You don't think that's agonizing enough? The police showed up at my door saying that Mikasa blew her brains out in her kitchen and I had to tell you. How do you think that feels?" Levi's hands were balled into fists and slightly shaking. His teeth were gritted. Eren was being reminded about how self-absorbed he was in his own problems and hadn't given a single thought to levi. In truth, Levi had it much worse. Eren still couldn't say anything. Tears were welling in his eyes. Levi's voice softened from its usual angry choppiness.

"Look. Everyone thinks about offing themselves. But you were really going to, and that's different. I thought about killing myself every day for six years. I'm sorry for not letting you kill yourself." He apologized. "Really, I am. But I'm still never going to let you." He took a step toward Eren and stared him in the eye. "Hey. I missed you for six years."

"I'm sorry." Eren finally managed to choke out an apology and let a few tears drip from his eyes. "For giving up- I'm sorry. I won't give up again." Levi suddenly hugged him tightly, squeezing the life out of Eren. Eren quickly wrapped his arms around Levi in return.

"Please don't." He said. They continued to stand together, wrapped in each other's warmth, bound together with their arms. They refused to let go for the longest time as the thunder continued rolling and the lighting flashed the room. They continued hugging even as the door open and Petra stepped in.

"Good evening." She smiled before noticing the scene happening in front of her. Eren, out of his chair, wrapped in the arms of his visitor in a warm hug, with quiet tears rolling from his eyes. "Eren? Are you alright?" She asked worriedly.

"Petra?" Eren asked aloud, turning his head to face the strawberry-blonde. Petra gasped loudly and staggered backwards at the sound of Eren's voice, which she had never heard before. She clapped her hands over her mouth. Eren took no notice. "I want to go home, please." Petra nodded quickly and tore off down the hallway yelling: "Hanji! Hanji! Hanji!"

"I love you." Levi said, lifting his head from Eren's chest. "I never stopped."

"You know, I don't think I did, either." Eren half-smiled. Levi raised his hand to rub his thumb on Eren's tear-stained cheeks. Levi hugged him again and let go, slipping his hands into his pockets. Running feet sounded through the hallway. Petra rushed back into the doorway, accompanied by an out-of-breath Dr. Hanji. Hanji stared at Eren expectantly.

"Hi, Hanji." Eren smiled. Hanji's face lit up like the sun and she cheered. She grabbed Petra for an unexpected hug and squeezed her half to death.

"He did it!" Hanji yelled to the ceiling triumphantly. "He's regained his sanity!"

"I want to go home, now." Eren asked in a normal voice. Hanji nodded excitedly.

"We'll have you out by tomorrow!" Hanji threw her hands into the air. Eren turned to Levi with a big smile smeared across his face. Levi smiled back. Lightning cracked. Thunder shook the whole hospital.


End file.
